Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I posted and it was a much-needed mental break.

I posted on Facebook this past week and I guess it created some confusion so hopefully, I’ll clarify in this blog.

So, back all the way up to May, we found out my doctor was leaving and moving to another state. The plan moving forward was telehealth. I will tell you that when I found out she was leaving, I never panicked. In fact, I remember hearing in an audible voice, ” I am God. She is not.” I knew then it was going to be fine.

With that being said, based on lab values in July we decided to do some additional testing before she left in August. So, If you followed me on other social media platforms you may have seen videos talking about ultrasounds. We did daily ultrasounds to verify that the follicle on my ovaries was growing to a mature size and then rupturing like it was supposed to. This started on cycle day 12 and continued until cycle day 24. You may not think this is a big deal, but when you’ve dealt with recurrent loss and infertility anything simple is an emotional rollercoaster. Especially when its time sensitive and you need to see a certain result.

After 12 days of ultrasounds, the follicle ruptured over the weekend so we were not able to confirm it was a healthy rupture. That means everything we did was for nothing. 12 days of appointments, ultrasounds, and not to mention the fact each one cost over $200. It was my breaking point, to say the least.

I came home that Monday and knew I could not continue to do this, which is what led us to a break and fully surrendering to God after lots of time in prayer.

September and October were months to reset and relax. I honestly learned so much about myself in those two months and I didn’t even wanna be taught. 🙂

You don’t realize how heavy something is until you decide to let it go. You don’t realize when you’re in the middle of the fight, you are using every bit of energy you have. When Brice and I decided on no meds, no labs, and no Dr. appointments, it was such a relief. I mean even simple movie nights felt different. Everything felt lighter.

So light, that I have truly spent time with God seeking what is next for us.
Brice and I took a trip for our five-year anniversary and his 30th birthday. It was honestly so much more than what I needed. It was truly a breath of fresh air. At one point, we were sitting on the beach just talking. As much as you want to forget fertility, it almost always comes up. We started talking about our journey and how if it wasn’t fertility it would probably be something else. Everyone has a journey, however, my husband looked at me and said, “The journey will one day change. For good or for good.” It seems so simple but for me, it was life-changing. He’s right. This won’t be our forever. The journey will change and whatever it looks like it will be good because we make the choice.

After lots of prayer, we had an appointment set up with a doctor in North Carolina, but not until December. We knew it was important to get set up with a doctor who could manage my labs in the interim if I were to get pregnant. As a reminder, I am following a NAPRO protocol, which is not what typical ob-gyns do. I needed someone who specialized in that.

That led us to someone in Greenville. This is where the post from last week comes in. The whole way to Greenville I cried. I cried because I was leaving my husband. I cried because it seemed so unfair. I cried that we had finally felt so confident in our plan and God changed it again. I cried because for the first time ever I questioned if God answers prayers.

I went to the appointment and we confirmed she could do what I needed until December however, she prepared me for change. She made me aware that the doctor I was previously seeing was extremely knowledgable in functional medicine, napro, ob, and additional training. She told us that we may change treatment plans again in December. I’m not here to say this is bad, but what I can tell you is this is overwhelming and exhausting. The change may be great, but it’s still scary.

On the way home I listened to one of my old playlists. A song “Miracle Time” by Matthew West played. I cried and sang the song as a prayer.
“I’ve done all I can do
I’ve cried all I can cry
But this mountain still won’t move
And I’ve tried all I can try
It’s out of my hands now
God, it’s miracle time”

Since Monday I have played this song daily and prayed this over my life. I can not even count how many people have asked what they can do for us other than pray and I always say nothing. Well, I’m changing that slightly. If you feel led, I’m gonna ask that you play this song daily and speak it as a prayer with me. It’s miracle time!
For now, we are still surrendering our journey to Christ. We are praying that He continues to lead our steps as we journey into a new season with new doctors.

I told you I learned a lot in the last two months. I’ll share one of those lessons with you. As God’s children, we can have confidence that God hears our prayers. 1 Peter 3:12, For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” We can also have confidence in the fact that he answers our prayers.” John 14:14,  “You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 15:7,  “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” He doesn’t always answer prayers in the way we expect, but as we continue to walk with Christ, our prayers will align with His will, causing us to receive what we ask for.

It is with the most genuine heart I tell you I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of people who read this blog, support us, and most of all pray for us.