Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

Wow! Life has been a little busy lately. Someone asked me this week if I ever take a break between work, church, and events. The answer is no! This upcoming week if VBS at my church, so I have spent lots of time prepping and planning.

We had a wedding last weekend, so I skipped blogging and focused on time with the family in Charleston.

This week we are picking back up where we left off after miscarriage number 4. Honestly, I thought nothing would be worse than my ectopic, but this loss was. I think it was the one that broke me to my core. It was ROUGH!

When I first found out I had lost the baby the doctor offered me medication to help pass the fetus. I had already been through this twice, so I said “Yeah, let’s get this rolling. Give me the medication.” Side note, my brothers mean the world to me. My oldest brother wanted so badly to do something to help me during this time, so I sent him to the pharmacy. It seems so small, but I’ll never forget it. He picked up that dreadful medication so I didn’t have to. The doctor warned me the medication would cause cramping and of course bleeding.

LAWD have mercy!!! It was recommended to take it at night, so I did. We had to run over to Mackenzie and Rob’s house to pick something up that night and let me tell you, that ride was intense!  We came in hot on two wheels and I busted down Mackenzie’s door and I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. Poor Mackenzie was bathing her child and I said sorry, gotta go!! IT was NOT the cramps I was expecting. That medication tore me up! 10/10 do not recommend. However, the memory is now one we laugh about often.  

After two weeks and two rounds of meds, my body still didn’t pass the fetus.
We decided on a D&C. I was offered an in-office D&C. I will never understand why I chose that route. (Really it’s because surgery is so expensive, so I wanted to save us money.) I went into the office. They took us back to a room. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, waited 15 mins, and the procedure started. I can’t begin to explain the pain I felt during that procedure. The doctor wrote in her notes, “This case was difficult. Do not recommend an in-office D&C in the future, due to the patient’s retroverted uterus.” It was supposed to be about a 20-minute procedure and it was over an hour. The medical team kept asking, “Are you okay?” At one point Brice had tears rolling down his face because he could see the pain I was in. The nurse even turned on Ed Sheeran as a distraction! I remember at one point chuckling because a joke was made about my brother being a mortician. I honestly realized at that moment that I was a lot stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. The procedure ended and I was sent home with some pain medication.

That next morning, I woke up crying. I was in so much pain. It was much worse than my first D&C. Brice had plans to go hunting that morning, so I told him to go. I laid down and went back to sleep. When I woke back up, I was miserable. I called my mom crying and asked her to come over. I was so sore, I literally could not get out of my bed. It was awful. I had my procedure on a Friday, so I would only miss one day of work. That Monday I woke up and I was cramping again. I sat on our toilet, basically having contractions and pouring blood with each cramp. I honestly did not care if I ever tried to get pregnant again. I was DONE. I called out of work and crawled into my bed.

This was the first time during this journey that I was okay just laying in bed. I didn’t want to work. I didn’t want to do anything but be sad and hurt. That was scary. That is not at all my personality so when it got to that point I decided that wasn’t okay.
While lying in bed, I pulled out my bible. Honestly, It is one of the only things that comforts me through these struggles.  I hold tight to the promises in His word because they are truth.

Psalm 62: 5-8.
Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
 for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
 my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
 He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
 Pour out your heart to him,
 for God is our refuge.

Psalm 27: 5-6
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
 he will hide me in his sanctuary.
 He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
 Then I will hold my head high
 above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
 singing and praising the Lord with music.

I wrote in my notebook ” I am above PCOS. I am above infertility. I am above infant loss. I am above fear. I am above anxiety. I am above depression.”

I was in a season of waiting. I am still in a season of waiting; however, according to Christ, I remain high above my enemies. Infertility is of the enemy. The enemy loves broken bodies. He loves broken spirits, which infertility and infant loss can cause. It is not of Christ and He assures me I will hold my head high above it. Now, I do know that everyone’s battle with infertility does not end with a child in their hand. I still don’t exactly know how my journey will end, however, I will continue to pray for God’s will. If God’s will prevails, then I can assure you, I will remain high above my enemies. Because of that, I can offer sacrifices of praise continuously.

Miscarriage number 4 hit hard, however God is always waiting for me to turn to him. He always has the right word. He is our refuge, our safe place.  It took time. The journey wasn’t smooth sailing from this point. There were other moments of hurt and breakdown, but there continues to be newfound joy and peace.