Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

In my last blog, I told you about the conversation I had with my niece in February. Her little brain held onto this thought for quite a while. In June, we were on a girl’s trip in the mountains and she wanted to plan a baby shower for my birthday in July. I had to explain to her at that time that even if I got pregnant in July, it would be too early for a baby shower. She was sad, but she understood. The minds of little children amaze me. I remember praying that God would let me get pregnant, just so she could hold onto that child-like faith forever.

Well, on July 3rd I popped positive again! I was so excited. Brice and I had been prepared for how hard it could be for us to get pregnant with one tube. The fact that we only had to try for a few months was amazing. At this point, the ectopic was considered just a random fluke, and one miscarriage is unfortunately really common, so there wasn’t an added concern for this pregnancy. I was also seeing a new doctor, so she wanted to do an ultrasound as soon as I got pregnant to confirm placement and she wanted me on progesterone. July 3rd was a Saturday, so I called on that following Monday. On July 7th we had an appointment. My lining looked great! The baby was in my uterus. My HCG looked good. My progesterone was high. Everything seemed perfect!

I finally let myself believe this might actually be it. July 10th was my birthday and we celebrated with friends at my favorite place. On July 17th, we went to the beach with our friends and we were just enjoying life. I’ll post those pictures below because they are some of my favorites. When I look at them, I know my little baby was snug in my belly.

On July 21st I had another appointment. Everything still looked great. A heartbeat couldn’t be seen, but there was not great concern because I was still early. The plan was to follow up in 2 weeks.

Before you read further here is my warning. It’s graphic and I won’t sugarcoat it.

On July 22nd I started spotting. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough for me to know something was wrong. I called my doctor and she said sometimes an ultrasound can cause bleeding. Let’s wait and see what happens. On Friday, there was more. I was originally planning to tell my siblings that evening. I called my dad and told him I wasn’t coming over. I knew I had been crying all day and I would be no fun. My dad told me he understood, but reminded me that my family was there to support me in whatever was going on. Good, bad, or ugly, they were there. Brice decided he was going to go ride the tractor, so I ended up going to my parents for Friday night dinner with the siblings.

I will never forget my dad telling my family that I was pregnant, but I was also bleeding. Everyone cried. My brother held me so tight. My dad prayed. It’s a moment my heart will never forget. I am so grateful for all of them. As hard as these moments are, their support means the world.

That Saturday Brice and I spent the day together building deer stands. There was nothing I could do to control whatever was happening. I kept drinking water and trying to act like nothing was wrong. I knew I wasn’t bleeding enough to have lost the baby, but I also knew I was bleeding too much to not be losing the baby.

Then came Sunday. My Uncle was becoming head pastor of his church that Sunday. I will never forget the emotions of that morning. I went to church and I was angry. The bleeding had increased and I knew it was inevitable. I was miscarrying. I did not want to be at church that morning, but I wanted to support my uncle. The worship team played the song The Goodness of God. If you haven’t heard that song, go listen. I’ll give you a snip-it of the lyrics,

Let me tell you something, in that moment, the last thing I felt was God is good. I remember just breaking down into tears and my mom holding me. Thank goodness it’s dark in their church! We had a lot of family there and I did not want people to know something was wrong. The day was not about me!

I sat through the service, we all ate lunch together after, I hugged my people and I left.

That afternoon the cramping began. I was standing at my dryer, doing laundry, and I felt it. I knew when I walked into my bathroom I was about to see my baby.

There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for that moment. Nothing.

I sat on the toilet, with my baby in my hand and cried.

Deciding on flushing your baby or putting them in the trash can is simply not a decision you should have to make.

I texted Brice and said, “I just lost it.” He came running to the bathroom. We sat on the bathroom floor and we cried together. It is a memory that is etched in my head forever, unfortunately.

I texted Mackenzie and her response was I’ll come over and I’ll do what I need to so you don’t have to. That’s a friend everyone needs to have.

However, I knew this was something Brice and I had to do together. We made our decision. It was a very quiet, somber night in the house. We both just cried every time we looked at each other, but we did it together.

On Friday, July 29th I had a doctor’s appointment that confirmed we had lost the baby. Can I tell you a secret though, God is big, He is good and He is always in control.

Pslam 30:11- 12, You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

On Friday evening, I was leading VBS for over 50 children. I was literally standing on a stage dancing, singing, and proclaiming the love of God. It was a date that was picked months in advance. It was a date that only God could have ordained to happen the exact way that it did. I can tell you that God is the only person who can literally turn your mourning into dancing.

I can also happily tell you that every time I hear the song The Goodness of God I am brought back to the emotions I felt that Sunday morning, however, I can lift my hands, and I can worship knowing God is good. All my life, he has been faithful. With every breath that I am able, I will proclaim the goodness of God.

My sweet niece still has no idea I got pregnant that July. It is a story I will share with her when I think she is ready. It’s a moment I look forward to and something I hope shows her God still speaks. I spent a lot of time asking God why He would allow me to get pregnant in July, just to take the baby away. I wanted more than anything, to be able to tell my sweet niece she was right!! God had spent just enough time customizing our baby and July was the month! I have no idea why that conversation took place. I have no clue why she would’ve asked that question or why July was the month she picked. I do believe children have a different connection with Jesus. You will never convince me that wasn’t God speaking to me, through my niece. I don’t know that July will ever connect to our story again, but I do know my job is to keep praying and I trust with all my heart God is taking extra time customizing our baby.