Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

Man, it’s been a while! I’ve had several people tell me how much they miss the blogs! I’m so glad people loved them, but I’ve been very upfront about the fact I am very prayerful about this blog and journey. In January of this year, I was in a pretty bad place. This whole journey is an up-and-down roller coaster with a lot of highs and a whole lotta lows. I felt like God was calling me into a season of sitting quietly. I felt like my time sharing my story needed to be put on pause. A lot was going on and my primary focus was my health.

I’ve been very honest this whole journey and plan to continue with that. In the middle of January, I was extremely underweight and extremely stressed, and infertility ruled my every thought. I was so wrapped up in how to fix my situation, that it consumed me, 100% of the time. As I shared in the short February blog, I met with a new doctor, and I knew right away God had led me to exactly where He wanted me.

We got some big answers really fast and we were presented with a new option! I’ve shared a couple of times that I would share this when the time felt right, so here we go.

After lots of research and discussing with a doctor we decided to do testing in Greece. We knew this testing had the potential to tell us the likelihood of ever conceiving a child naturally. It was extremely nerve-racking but we decided it was time for us to know and ultimately move on, if that’s what God had planned for us.

We waited a long 21 days to receive these results.

Shout out to my best friend who FaceTimed me the minute I sent her a text “Oh no. Results!” She waited patiently as I logged in, read, and processed. The tears immediately began to flow. Four years of fighting with everything inside of me finally paid off. We had answers. This is the hard part. The part I knew was a possibility but wasn’t quite ready for. It was me. It was my body and my fault. All the times the doctors said “It’s nothing you did,” it was. My body attacks the embryo. Y’all, that’s a hard result to accept. I was devastated and relieved all at the same time.

The good news, it wasn’t the worst-case scenario!! It’s something very treatable, but again I was back to fighting! In case you don’t know, there are extremely few reproductive immunologists in the US. In fact, there are like 4 true reproductive immunologists!

My doctor went to bat for us, y’all. She put in more than anyone ever has to get us the treatment we needed. She has consulted with doctors all over the place. She even took a phone call with a local doctor and both of them were texting me while we tried to figure out the best next steps. I truly have spent so much time thanking God for every closed door that led to these open doors.

So where are we now? Well, we are still waiting. This process has been extremely slow and the primary focus since January has been restoring my health. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I love my weight! I’m back in the gym for the first time in 4 years! I am not ashamed to say I’ve done lots of counseling. Most importantly, I have truly opened my eyes to the blessings God has provided right now. I’m learning that I don’t need to know what the future looks like. If I’m living for Him in the now, He’ll work out the rest.

When I am ready, we have an amazing treatment plan moving forward! I am trusting that God has opened each door along the way and won’t stop opening them now.

In the midst of all of this, I have met the most beautiful soul. You will never convince me it wasn’t a divine move of God. We have seen the same doctors. We have insanely similar stories. We both share a love for Christ! When we talk about our husbands, there are so many similarities. The only difference in our stories, she is pregnant. She patiently waited on the Lord for 10 years and He finally provided. In fact, she was newly pregnant when our paths collided. I know without a doubt, God sent her to me at the exact time my hope was in the dirt. It was his physical reminder that I’m not done with you yet.

We recently had the opportunity to have dinner together a couple of weeks ago and we cried, we laughed, and we encouraged each other.

God is always in the smallest of details. He is always one step ahead and He always has good in store for us.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back on here, we’ll just have to see where God leads. For now, as always I am grateful for your prayers and constant support.