Surrender

Hi friends!

It’s been several weeks again and I don’t have any updates, but I love to write after trips because my soul feels so refreshed!

We took a short little trip to St. Augustine and goodness, it was so much fun. I love when you aren’t expecting God to speak to you and He does. We were walking on the beach and as I was watching the waves crash on the rocks I started singing Oceans.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your Name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine”

Infertility is a pretty deep ocean. In fact, I often feel like I’m drowning. I can be doing amazing and all the sudden wake up the next day and can’t force a smile on my face. I told Brice this week I don’t know how to get to a place where my emotions aren’t controlled by the results of each cycle. Then I thought to myself, if my faith and hope is truly rooted in Jesus, then it shouldn’t be situational. Jesus isn’t situational! He is constant. So how do I get to a place of consistency in my emotions….

Surrender.

But, why is surrender is so hard? I’ve been trying to surrender it for months! I have prayed and prayed that God would help me surrender it all to Him. I’ve given up medications. I spend time nightly seeking the Lord asking Him to guide my steps. Yet, I still try to figure out why this isn’t working month after month of trying.

I have learned surrender is so hard because with surrendering comes grief. Weird, right? Think about it. When you surrender you have to give up the plans you’ve had. It may be plans you’ve had for years. Maybe they are plans you’ve had your whole life. Giving up plans you’ve dreamed of for so long can lead to a period of grief and no one likes grief. It’s much easier to be able to say okay, I’ll take this medication this day, we’ll make a baby this day, and it’ll be born this day. Some people have it that easy, but how do we learn to surrender when your story isn’t that easy?

Spoiler alert; I don’t know. What I do know is God says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How in the world does three miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and years of infertility prosper me? It has allowed me to get to a place where I crave Jesus. I crave Him speaking to me, I crave His presence. I yearn to worship Him. Prosper means to flourish physically; grow strong and healthy. I 100% believe I have prospered because of my losses.

Now, when you wake up on a Thursday morning, after dreaming Wednesday night you were at the hospital pushing, and you’re mad at the world, I think that’s when grace steps in. God allows us to feel those emotions of hurt and anger. He created us with those emotions, but that’s when we have to find a way to remember God is good. He has plans to prosper us. He wants us to continue to keep the problem laid at His feet.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

I think this is how we begin to surrender. Seek Him first and as we seek Him, our desires align with His and in Him the grief of surrender turns into rest.

I shared on my Facebook my word for 2025 is “expect.” I am expecting God to do big things in my life, my husband’s life, and my family’s lives. So, as we enter into another cycle and another month of 2025, I will expect God to show up and show out as I try to walk out surrendering my plans to Him.

So, as God so clearly painted the picture for me this weekend as the tide comes in, the water rises, and the waves crash against the shore over and over I will stand like the rocks on the shore line. I will not grow weary, because my soul will rest in His embrace.