Embracing Faith and Friendship

So here we are, four losses later. My doctor decided it was time for us to see a specialist so she referred us to a maternal-fetal medicine doctor and genetic counseling. We saw both doctors in the middle of November. We completed an extensive panel of genetic testing and some additional tests run by the maternal-fetal medicine doctor. It took a couple of weeks but all the testing came back normal. Most of the time that’s the results you want, however when you’re battling recurrent loss you pray that the blood work shows some kind of answer.

We were left with no answers. No one could tell us why I was unable to keep a baby. I held to my desire of needing a break. No part of me desired to attempt to try for a child again. I was left feeling extremely broken, hurt, and disappointed. I knew the solution was not to just try again. I decided I would not settle for “unexplained recurrent loss.” I wanted a reason why.

As I stated previously, it was November. If you know me, you know I love to decorate for Christmas. I take down my fall decor on Oct 31st and pull out Christmas on November 1st. That year I had no desire to decorate AT ALL. Brice pulled down my tree and I started to decorate and just started crying. I expected the holidays to look so different at this point. The reality of all we had lost was too much. There was no way I could celebrate after what we had been through.

But God. God has a way of always making sure you are taken care of. He places people in your life that He knows you will need. I had three friends show up at my house on November 18th with pizza in hand and a heart of gold. At the end of that night, my tree was decorated, my house was decorated, and glitter was everywhere. There was one spot, that I will post a picture of below, that remains decorated the same way all year. Beside a picture of my baby, she had placed an angel. It was my grandmother’s angel that she used to put out every year before she passed away.

I’ve said this a lot throughout this blog, but it’s true. It’s a memory I’ll never forget. I will never be able to say thank you enough to the people who endlessly showed up for me during this time. I hope you realize that it never went unnoticed. Your willingness to show Christ’s love to me saved me.

In February I was invited to a women’s conference. If you follow me on FB you’ve probably seen this story. If I’m honest, I didn’t want to go. Not because of anything other than just not wanting to be around people. The first night, the first thing I noticed was the worship leader was pregnant. I was so annoyed. I remember thinking to myself, “Really God?” This can’t be real. The last thing I want to do is attempt to enter into worship while staring at an 8-month pregnant woman. I pushed through and tried to focus on just God. I made it through Friday night and returned on Saturday.

During the conference on Saturday, a lady stood up to speak. She said she had been very prayerful about what God wanted her to say and do during the conference. She asked for women who were struggling to get pregnant or who had dealt with miscarriage to stand up. She wanted to pray with us and over our wombs. I took a deep breath and stood up. See, identifying with infant loss or infertility isn’t easy. It’s not something I wanted to identify with. As I stood, I was immediately swarmed by the ladies I had attended the conference with. It was powerful. During that prayer, it felt like I was being held up by an army. I wasn’t fighting to keep myself up. I was being supported.

That’s exactly how God intends us to live daily. He wants us to know that He is lifting us up. He is supporting us. We are not alone. He wants to carry every hurt we have. We were not created to do life alone.

I couldn’t do this journey alone. God provided an incredible group of friends in my life during this time. Friends that I didn’t know I needed. Friends that will be friends for a lifetime.

God is always faithful, always good, always one step ahead, and He has a funny way of making sure we are right where we are supposed to be. He loves showing His children they are loved, we just have to be willing to pay attention.