Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

I’m going rogue. I don’t like writing in real time because honestly these are just big emotions I prefer to deal with personally, but something is telling me to share this one. If you’re going through an “even here” moment maybe this will encourage you.

Let me tell you about my week. Monday I had labs. I honestly have felt an overwhelming amount of peace this month. Like an odd peace that comes only from God. I just knew these labs were going to be good. Let me briefly explain, I’m medicated every cycle to help regulate my hormones and help me ovulate, because of that, I have my labs drawn every cycle to ensure the medication dosage is right. Last month was the first month in goal range, so I had a good feeling about this month.

What I didn’t expect was my labs to be almost doubled. My estradiol had doubled and my progesterone was an absolutely perfect number. My labs result at 3am and without an alarm, I wake up every time. When I saw those numbers I was speechless. My head immediately went 100 different ways. If you don’t know, those numbers can be very indicative of a pregnancy. What blew my mind the most was I was so sure I would be so fearful of pregnancy due to my past but honestly, I was excited. The only fear I had was the fear of it not meaning pregnancy.

My doctor always responds to my labs first thing in the morning, so I knew I would hear from her soon. Sure enough, before 9 o clock, I had a response, “consider starting to take pregnancy test.” That was all I needed to be over the moon excited.

Tuesday was my grandmas birthday. I kept thinking how cool. I’ll get to tell her I found out on her birthday. I took a test, negative.

I didn’t let it bother me too much. I knew my monthly was still almost a week out. It was early. I had plenty of time. Tuesday turned to Wednesday and Wednesday became Thursday. The tests were still negative. At this point, reality started to set in. The high labs were just random.

I knew I was having a party Thursday night so I tried to clear my head and focus on the good things! My labs were amazing! That was the highest progesterone we’ve seen since starting medication! That’s amazing!

Friday, I didn’t test.

Saturday, I woke up and I just knew. My headache was gone. My body temperature had tanked. I felt different. I knew cycle day 1 was on the horizon.

I felt dumb. Why did I get so hopeful? Why did I think this month was finally it? Why did I think this month would be any different than the last 24 months?

Wanna know why? God! Without hope, I have nothing. Each month brings a new hope because I know that my God is capable of a miracle. I know that when God says it’s time, that month will be different. I don’t know how many months we’ll ride the rollercoaster. I don’t know how many more times I’ll pick up the meds. I don’t know how many more times I’ll have labs, but I do know this, I’ll keep hoping. I’ll never stop hoping this month is different.

However, that doesn’t mean the hurt of right now, Saturday night at 9:00 pm, doesn’t exist.

It doesn’t mean the pain of today goes away.

At 1:00 today, I was in the shower, playing worship music, and crying out to God. Not asking him why, just simply telling him I was broken and all I had left was my tears. I looked down and see three squares (where estrogen patches ruin my skin monthly) 5 scars, (from surgery in October), 2 other scars (from my ectopic). It’s ugly. Ugly reminders that sometimes break me.

But, it hit me. When you’re upset who do you call? I call a friend. I mean I got 4 of them on speed dial. If all I do on that phone call is cry, it’s okay. They still know exactly why I called. At the end of the call, I usually feel better.

Isn’t God the same? We don’t have to say a word. We don’t have to have the strength to speak. We can simply sit in his presence and cry. He gets it. He understands. He himself wept. (John 11:35 Jesus wept)

The tears of hurt turned to tears of surrender and worship. If you haven’t worshipped in the shower, try it. Don’t worry! Jesus made you, he already knows what ya look like, honey!

Instead of pictures this time, I’ll share some of the worship music that helped me in the shower below. Add them to your playlist.

One song is call “Hallelujah Even Here”. It says,

“Sometimes nothing left to give
Ooh, becomes the sweetest offering
And sometimes choosing just to sing
Is the thing that changes everything

Hallelujah, when the storm is relentless
Hallelujah, when the battle is endless
In the middle of the in between
In the middle of the questioning
Over every worry, every fear
Hallelujah, even here”

No matter what your storm is, find a way to sing. To praise God. You might cry. You might look ugly. You might become completely undignified before God. IT IS OKAY! Spoiler alert ** what started as tears of hurt, might become tears of surrender. You might just walk away from your worship shower with renewed joy, renewed hope, and renewed faith in a God that is fully capable of a “different month.”

So, even here, on a Saturday night, I’m reminded God is good. He still loves me. His promises are still true. He is still writing my story.

Hallelujah!!

• Too late to lose- Cece Winams
• Flowers- Samantha Ebert
• Hallelujah Even Here- Lydia laird
• Wait on you- Hillsong
• Making miracles – Savannah Crabbe, Austin Ludwig
• Don’t stop praying- Matthew West