Hope After Loss: Baby Steps

This one honestly still hurts and I continue to ask God to heal my heart. This will be several blogs because it’s a lot. I hope when I finish telling this part of my story you will see how God stayed right by my side the whole time. I have prayed that God would guide my words through this one, so here we go.

In October of 2020, I decided to see a new doctor. Our first appointment was great. I really liked her. I let her know some things were going on and we scheduled an ultrasound. I was told I had PCOS and would probably struggle to get pregnant. She offered me metformin, but being a nurse I knew the side effects of metformin, so I decided I would not take the medication and research pcos. I ended up taking a vitamin with inositol in it which is like a “natural” metformin.

At the beginning of November, I got COVID-19, however, my main symptoms were loss of taste and smell and some shortness of breath. I thankfully was not sick for long. I include this because it would later be used as a potential reason for my ectopic.

On November 20th, 2020 I had another positive test. The emotions were completely different this time. I was scared. I was a little excited, but I was scared. Because of my first miscarriage, I called my doctor and she ordered blood work. I had my HCG drawn and confirmed I was pregnant. I went in two days later and had labs drawn again and my levels were rising appropriately, but they had done that the last time, so that didn’t help much. Of course, at this point, it was a waiting game. There was nothing we could do but pray and wait for an ultrasound.

November 26th was Thanksgiving. At this point, I was beginning to get excited. I knew I had a secret and I could not wait to tell everyone! I was extremely nauseated that morning, but it settled and no one in the family knew anything.

November 30th I became completely overwhelmed with fear. Something just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t cramping. I wasn’t bleeding. I just felt like something was wrong. I began writing bible verses in my notebook just to remind myself of God’s promises. One verse I wrote was Exodus 23:26, “But you—you serve your GOD and he’ll bless your food and your water. I’ll get rid of the sickness among you; there won’t be any miscarriages nor barren women in your land. I’ll make sure you live full and complete lives.”

December 6th the pain began. I woke up and just laid down in our living room and I remember telling Brice, “If this is what pregnancy feels like this will be the last time I do it.” I was having severe chest pain, or what I thought was indigestion. The pain was more towards my right shoulder than the middle of the chest, but the best way to explain it was like stabbing gas pains. I had gone to the store and bought every indigestion medication I could get. I even went on a walk hoping that it would just help release what I thought were gas pains. By that evening, I had called my neighbor, who was a nurse, and asked her if she could check my blood pressure because I just didn’t feel right. Of course, it was normal and I was so confused.

Then came Google. I typed in my symptoms, knowing what Google would say. I thought there was no way I was having an ectopic pregnancy. No way, and I sure was not going to mention it to my husband.

Friday morning, at 2 am, I woke up bleeding. I cried. I sat on my toilet crying until I could compose myself and walk out. I walked out of the bathroom and came into my living room to lay on the couch, so I didn’t wake Brice up. I assumed I was miscarrying. I knew there was nothing that could be done, but I would call the doctor once they opened.

When the office opened I called and spoke with the nurse, told her the pain I was having and that I had bled through the night. She asked how much, I told her I was unsure it was mixed with the water in the toilet and I was no longer bleeding. I was told to drink water, put my feet up, and rest. I knew the office closed early on Fridays, so I called again before they closed to express the pain I was in. I was told medication to take for indigestion and that I was probably just stressed, because of my first miscarriage. I said okay and continued with my day.

That Friday evening we had a fundraiser for my brother and sister-in-law who were raising money for adoption. I went, but I was miserable. I was nauseated and in constant pain, but I didn’t want anyone to know and I did not want to draw any attention to myself. After the fundraiser, we went out to eat and I didn’t touch my food. It took my mom about 2 seconds to realize something was wrong. I explained what was going on to her and told her I was fine. I would let her know if anything changed.

That Saturday morning I woke up and Brice made breakfast. I couldn’t eat it at all. I thought I was having a gallbladder issue or for sure an ectopic pregnancy. It was a Saturday, so I knew my options were limited. I didn’t want to alarm Brice, so I called my mom and told her I was going to urgent care. She said okay, I’m going to come get you and go with you.

As only God could align, the doctor working that day was also a doctor at another urgent care with more access to imaging and an on-site lab. He told me he believed I was having an ectopic pregnancy. He was going to call the doctor at the other facility and let them know I was on the way for an ultrasound. After hearing the doctor say this, I knew that is what was happening. I called Brice and told him what was going on. He googled it and said, “Megan, you have every symptom.” I said, “Yeah, I know.” My mom dropped me off with Brice and we headed to the other facility about 45 minutes away.

We arrived, and they started me on fluids because I was extremely dehydrated at this point. They drew labs. My hcg was indicative of a pregnancy far enough along that it should be seen on Ultrasound. We did an ultrasound and I was told, “We can not find anything.” I was told I had two options. 1. I could come home and follow up with my doctor on Monday. 2. They could admit me to the hospital, do another scan, and confirm I was having an ectopic. The urgent care doctor felt sure I was. She told us if we went home and it ruptured, it was an emergency and we would need to go straight to the ER. Brice and I decided it was best I stayed at the hospital and confirmed what was going on.

We arrived at the hospital and I was a direct admit. We got settled in. I was told nowhere in my chart was an ectopic pregnancy mentioned. I was being admitted to confirm a miscarriage. They would draw blood work through the night and make sure my hcg levels went down. Again, at this point, I am NOT bleeding and in excruciating pain. This was also during Covid, so Brice was not allowed to stay with me. That night I called for the nurse for medication to help me sleep, because my chest pain was so severe. My labs were resulting on my chart and I could see my hemoglobin was steadily dropping. I felt like I was moments away from a panic attack. They did an EKG (checked my heart rhythm) and gave me Benadryl.

That next morning Brice was in the room at the time visiting hours started. My hcg levels had resulted and they were going down. The doctor came in to see us and said, “I am so sorry to tell you, it looks like you’re having another miscarriage. I know this hurts, but don’t worry! We don’t get concerned until you have three. We’re going to discharge you and you can follow up with the doctor on Tuesday to confirm you are miscarrying on your own.” I was floored. I was so hurt and angry. I just wanted to get home. I knew there was no way this was a miscarriage, but when a doctor tells you something, you believe it. At least, I did at that time. So I was discharged home, not bleeding, had not eaten, and was still in horrible pain.

I wish I could tell you that I went home, the doctor was right, and I passed the baby, however, that is not at all what happened. Things went south, fast.

I’ll continue with this story next week, but just in case you don’t know, an ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo grows outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes. It is not a viable pregnancy and can become an emergency.